And in the end, the love we take is equal to the love we make.
The Beatles said it many years ago but it still rings true today. This exploration of feminism and heterosexual love relationships has been quite the roller coaster. I discovered things about myself that I did not know were there and I learned a lot about my past and current relationships. I got a lot more out of this blog than I had originally thought that I would. I have learned that though the word 'feminism' may not be uttered every single day of my life outside of the classroom, I strongly and diligently practice it. My partner may not be a feminist by trade and he may never call himself a feminist but he certainly lives it.
This blog is just a small portion of my experience with feminism and love relationships. It will constantly be evolving and growing as my life evolves and grows. I am amazed at how much I have gotten out of the experience as a whole. I am a stronger feminist because of this and I value my relationship even more after observation. I will be honest, prior to this I had never given much thought to how my feminism affects my relationships and of how my relationships affect my feminism. I think they have benefited each other in a positive way. Feminism is always going to be a large portion of my life. I am always going to be a feminist and am always going to live by feminist ideals. As well, I am (assuming) always going to be in this committed relationship therefore this experience of seeing how the two coincide will be beneficial now and later. I cannot say for certain whether or not I will continue to write this blog once this class and my University careers ends but I can say for sure that I will be constantly reflecting on the ways that my feminism and my relationship connect. Whether it be the challenges, the problems, the successes or the accomplishments, I will always have this thought process to reflect on and to grow from.
Long live the feminism in love!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
And Then I Met Him...
I've mentioned it before...I never saw myself getting married or having children. I was never the type of girl who dreamed about a big white wedding or a big baby belly. Those weren't in my plans. I wanted an education, and a career that I loved. This was not to say that I did not see myself falling in love or being in a relationship, I just never understand why we had to make it legal. I think I do now, at least a little better.
It took someone very special for me to start to picture these things. I see myself getting married and having kids now. And who have thought that the person I would choose to be with would be someone who does not have a University education and someone who does not follow feminism. Surprisingly, he may be one of the most feminist people I have ever met. It just goes to show that you don't have to study something to live it. He lives a somewhat feminist lifestyle everyday and he makes a conscious effort to take part in my passions and beliefs, which in a large part involve feminism. This man is not the person I would have expected myself to fall in love with but I have and I am forever grateful.
He respects my beliefs and encourages them. He understands that I do things differently than other people may do. I know exactly who I am and my feminism has largely helped me to do this. He asks questions and shows an interest in wanting to learn about the things that are important to me. We have very different lifestyles but the core values that we both have overlap. It is incredibly rare when you find someone who fits with you in such an easy and seamless way. I may not have been the little girl dreaming of a white wedding but I will be the grown woman having one. It is funny how life works out.
It took someone very special for me to start to picture these things. I see myself getting married and having kids now. And who have thought that the person I would choose to be with would be someone who does not have a University education and someone who does not follow feminism. Surprisingly, he may be one of the most feminist people I have ever met. It just goes to show that you don't have to study something to live it. He lives a somewhat feminist lifestyle everyday and he makes a conscious effort to take part in my passions and beliefs, which in a large part involve feminism. This man is not the person I would have expected myself to fall in love with but I have and I am forever grateful.
He respects my beliefs and encourages them. He understands that I do things differently than other people may do. I know exactly who I am and my feminism has largely helped me to do this. He asks questions and shows an interest in wanting to learn about the things that are important to me. We have very different lifestyles but the core values that we both have overlap. It is incredibly rare when you find someone who fits with you in such an easy and seamless way. I may not have been the little girl dreaming of a white wedding but I will be the grown woman having one. It is funny how life works out.
& The Academic Says...
Here is the portion of my blog where I say what the academic feminists are writing about. Prior to writing this blog, I did not think there would be much academic work written about the connection between feminism and love relationships. I will say, it was more difficult finding information from an academic standpoint (that being a peer-reviewed article) than those from a non-academic standpoint. There is much written about homosexual love relationships but little about heterosexual love relationships. It was not, though, impossible.
The first article I found was entitled "Sex Roles and Sexual Satisfaction in Women." It was published in the Psychology of Women Quarterly and is a peer-reviewed article. The article starts off by explaining the purpose of the article:
"The present study was designed, therefore, to investigate the relationships among sexual satisfaction, femininity, and feminism in women."
--Carole Schmidt Kirkpatrick, http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/doi/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1980.tb00719.x/pdf.
This article explains how because of feminism, sex is more widely talked about and studied and that because of this, more women are becoming more aware of their sexuality and less scared to show it. Wives are now, according to Schmidt Kirkpatrick, not "sexually adequate, but passionate towards their husbands. Feminism has a lot to do with this! Without feminism, without the sexual revolution, women would probably still be stuck with the idea in their heads that sex was a man's thing--do not enjoy it! Feminism has helped women to become more passionate, which, in my opinion, has led to better, happier and more stable relationships between men and women. She also explains how the more education the women has, the better her sexual life. This is another hat off to feminism. Without feminism, women would not be entering into and dominating in numbers, higher education. This article, in general, is an excellent depiction of the positive association between feminism and heterosexual love relationships.
The second article I examined is from a counseling point of view. Though it may not be the obvious choice when discussing feminism and love relationship, it talks about the break down of sex roles in relationships, helping to make the relationship more harmonious. The article is entitled "Dilemmas of Power and Equality in Marital and Family Counseling." She states that although many counselors advocate for neutrality in relationships:
"feminist counselors actively promote the expansion of behavioral repertoires by helping both women and men move beyond sex role stereotypes and explore both instrumental and expressive aspects of themselves. Furthermore, feminist therapists advocate equality of personal power in intimate relationships"
--Carolyn Zerbe Enns, http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=85f8182a-981e-4676-ad40-8ad6f4b382b8%40sessionmgr15&vid=2&hid=18.
This article is not focused specifically on feminist love relationships but the aspect of the article is a true testament to the way a feminist relationship runs. Neutrality does not always work. Both members of the relationship should be encouraged to explore and express themselves, all the while adhering to the politics of personal equality. To me, this means that one should not lose themselves in a relationship, especially one as powerful as that between a husband and a wife. I think that Zerbe Enns has the right idea with this.
The final article I looked at was from the Journal of Gender Studies. It is entitled "My Baby Just Care for Me: Feminism, Heterosexuality and Non-Monogamy." In this article, the author looks at how monogamy is not beneficial to feminists or to women more generally. She takes the opposite standpoint of the other authors. She believes that monogamous heterosexual relationships are constructed for the benefit of men and capitalism. She references in her article another author who states:
"Monogamous love, eulogized in our society, is the tool by which women are controlled. The familiar idealised pattern of falling in love and living with the man of our dreams for ever and ever (we hope) has infiltrated our thinking. It is no accident that 'love is blind' and leads women into an irrational loss of control. It leads us to making men the centre of our world, redirecting our energies and severing ties with others in an all-consuming fashion"
--Victoria Robinson, http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=8b9b84af-6425-4bce-9f19-ddb292bb6775%40sessionmgr15&vid=3&hid=18.
It was important for me to incorporate ideas that were opposite to my own, because in no way do I believe that my opinion and belief system is the only one out there. Everyone has very different ideas of how feminism and heterosexual love relationships coincide and work. This woman obviously feels and believes that monogamous relationships are not beneficial to women and only help to promote patriarchy. I may disagree with her but she does argue her point very well. She makes valid points regarding why love relationships hurt and hinder women rather than help them. Although her opinion is different than my own, I respect her beliefs and value her ideas.
All of the articles I have mentioned discuss feminism and love relationships from a different light. It was important for me to show the different views that this topic can take. I think, overall, that these three very different pieces help to explain just how complex this issue is.
Sources
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/doi/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1980.tb00719.x/pdf
http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=85f8182a-981e-4676-ad40-8ad6f4b382b8%40sessionmgr15&vid=2&hid=18
http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=8b9b84af-6425-4bce-9f19-ddb292bb6775%40sessionmgr15&vid=3&hid=18
The first article I found was entitled "Sex Roles and Sexual Satisfaction in Women." It was published in the Psychology of Women Quarterly and is a peer-reviewed article. The article starts off by explaining the purpose of the article:
"The present study was designed, therefore, to investigate the relationships among sexual satisfaction, femininity, and feminism in women."
--Carole Schmidt Kirkpatrick, http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/doi/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1980.tb00719.x/pdf.
This article explains how because of feminism, sex is more widely talked about and studied and that because of this, more women are becoming more aware of their sexuality and less scared to show it. Wives are now, according to Schmidt Kirkpatrick, not "sexually adequate, but passionate towards their husbands. Feminism has a lot to do with this! Without feminism, without the sexual revolution, women would probably still be stuck with the idea in their heads that sex was a man's thing--do not enjoy it! Feminism has helped women to become more passionate, which, in my opinion, has led to better, happier and more stable relationships between men and women. She also explains how the more education the women has, the better her sexual life. This is another hat off to feminism. Without feminism, women would not be entering into and dominating in numbers, higher education. This article, in general, is an excellent depiction of the positive association between feminism and heterosexual love relationships.
The second article I examined is from a counseling point of view. Though it may not be the obvious choice when discussing feminism and love relationship, it talks about the break down of sex roles in relationships, helping to make the relationship more harmonious. The article is entitled "Dilemmas of Power and Equality in Marital and Family Counseling." She states that although many counselors advocate for neutrality in relationships:
"feminist counselors actively promote the expansion of behavioral repertoires by helping both women and men move beyond sex role stereotypes and explore both instrumental and expressive aspects of themselves. Furthermore, feminist therapists advocate equality of personal power in intimate relationships"
--Carolyn Zerbe Enns, http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=85f8182a-981e-4676-ad40-8ad6f4b382b8%40sessionmgr15&vid=2&hid=18.
This article is not focused specifically on feminist love relationships but the aspect of the article is a true testament to the way a feminist relationship runs. Neutrality does not always work. Both members of the relationship should be encouraged to explore and express themselves, all the while adhering to the politics of personal equality. To me, this means that one should not lose themselves in a relationship, especially one as powerful as that between a husband and a wife. I think that Zerbe Enns has the right idea with this.
The final article I looked at was from the Journal of Gender Studies. It is entitled "My Baby Just Care for Me: Feminism, Heterosexuality and Non-Monogamy." In this article, the author looks at how monogamy is not beneficial to feminists or to women more generally. She takes the opposite standpoint of the other authors. She believes that monogamous heterosexual relationships are constructed for the benefit of men and capitalism. She references in her article another author who states:
"Monogamous love, eulogized in our society, is the tool by which women are controlled. The familiar idealised pattern of falling in love and living with the man of our dreams for ever and ever (we hope) has infiltrated our thinking. It is no accident that 'love is blind' and leads women into an irrational loss of control. It leads us to making men the centre of our world, redirecting our energies and severing ties with others in an all-consuming fashion"
--Victoria Robinson, http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=8b9b84af-6425-4bce-9f19-ddb292bb6775%40sessionmgr15&vid=3&hid=18.
It was important for me to incorporate ideas that were opposite to my own, because in no way do I believe that my opinion and belief system is the only one out there. Everyone has very different ideas of how feminism and heterosexual love relationships coincide and work. This woman obviously feels and believes that monogamous relationships are not beneficial to women and only help to promote patriarchy. I may disagree with her but she does argue her point very well. She makes valid points regarding why love relationships hurt and hinder women rather than help them. Although her opinion is different than my own, I respect her beliefs and value her ideas.
All of the articles I have mentioned discuss feminism and love relationships from a different light. It was important for me to show the different views that this topic can take. I think, overall, that these three very different pieces help to explain just how complex this issue is.
Sources
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/doi/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1980.tb00719.x/pdf
http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=85f8182a-981e-4676-ad40-8ad6f4b382b8%40sessionmgr15&vid=2&hid=18
http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uwindsor.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=8b9b84af-6425-4bce-9f19-ddb292bb6775%40sessionmgr15&vid=3&hid=18
& The Everyday Woman Says....
Part of my study of feminism and love relationships was to look at how others felt about the topic. I wanted to find out what the non-academic writes about when feminism and love coincide, as well as what the academic says. This blog will focus specifically on the non-academic, or at least, of people who do not study feminism.
I stumbled upon a website as I was googling "Feminism and Relationship." The heading for the specific page of the relationship is "How Feminism Hurt Our Love Lives." I was immediately intrigued. It is written by a woman. She starts off by using the past tense when speaking of feminism, but quickly corrects herself, only in parentheses. She explains how she feels indebted to feminism because it has allowed her to have the career that she does but than a paragraph later explains that it has ruined her love life:
I think the whole feminist movement is a bit of a misnomer anyway -- feminism didn’t liberate femininity. Feminism liberated masculine energy in women. It was a masculinist movement. This is a good thing. Because of masculism, er, I mean feminism, we can now procure income in the male dominated marketplace and buy ourselves any kind of life we want. Those of us who aren’t completely fulfilled baking cookies can now choose to fly jets, put out fires, or handcuff bad guys. We can also look for a cure for cancer, design computer programs, and sink basketballs, if those things suit our fancy.
-Wendy L. Walsh, http://www.theboyfriendtest.com/feminism.html
The paragraph above both praises feminism and makes an embarrassment out of it. The fact that she calls feminism, a "masculinist" movement is an embarrassment to feminism. It is a shame to the entire movement. As a feminist who is in a committed relationship, I know that feminism has not ruined my love life but made me more aware of the kind of partner I want in a relationship, as well as the kind of person I want to be in a relationship. I disagree with her article wholeheartedly. She adds that: "Finally, feminism did a disservice to many women who weren’t (and aren’t) unhappy with traditional gender role." This is another issue I have with her article. Feminism does not tell women to do anything they do not want to do. Feminism just allows women the option to say 'no' to things that they didn't want to do in the first place, to things they felt was an obligation to a man, and so on.
Walsh feels, also, that because we are so afraid of looking submissive that we have forgotten how to be supportive. This is another aspect of her article that is untrue and only reflective of her singular opinion. She bashes feminist mothers for not teaching women to be loving and nurturing. She should be ashamed of herself. Her article is full explains that you can call yourself anything you want, even a feminist, but that does not mean you have to follow it.
Another article I found online pertaining to love and feminism talks about how men are scared of successful women. It is entitled "How Misguided Feminism Prevents Relationships." She concludes her article by saying:
How can these common sense insights have been lost? The only answer I can come up with is that misguided feminism has taught a generation of women that men are opponents and not allies. This insight makes me tremendously sad.
--Pelle Billing, http://www.pellebilling.com/2010/05/how-misguided-feminism-prevents-relationships/
The fact that she feels like the feminism many women have been following is misguided scares me a little. Feminism is open to everyone and it takes on many different forms. I do not believe that feminism has taught women to view men as opponents. The feminism I have learned has taught us equality and respect for all people, of all genders. My feminism involves working alongside men to advance feminism. Never have I ever thought of men as 'the enemy' and many of the women that I study alongside I believe would say the same thing.
She is right to say that men and women look for different things in relationships, but many of the basic, most important things are the same. Even for feminists! Just because I am a feminist doesn't mean that I don't want someone loving and compassionate to come home to every night, just because I am a feminist does not mean that I do not want or need to be taken care of some of the time. I think her article, not feminism itself, is misguided.
Lastly, the third article I found from non-academic sources regarding feminism and love relationships was from the Science Daily website. The writer starts the article off by saying:
Contrary to popular opinion, feminism and romance are not incompatible and feminism may actually improve the quality of heterosexual relationships.
--http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071015102856.htm
This was refreshing to read. Although the article references an academic study, I am still including it under the non-academic heading because I am not speaking of the study itself. According to the article and the study, feminists tend to have better love relationships. This reflects my beliefs. She even says that men who have feminist partners, have more stable relationships and better sex! This is an incredibly positive example of feminist relationships and one, I will be honest, I did not expect to find, especially after the first two articles. Being a feminist does not make you incapable of being in a love relationship, considering the article found that more heterosexual feminist women were in relationships than heterosexual non-identified feminist women. Those are pretty good odds to me! This article sums up my understanding of how you can exists as a feminist while being in a love relationship!
Sources
http://www.theboyfriendtest.com/feminism.html
http://www.pellebilling.com/2010/05/how-misguided-feminism-prevents-relationships/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071015102856.htm
I stumbled upon a website as I was googling "Feminism and Relationship." The heading for the specific page of the relationship is "How Feminism Hurt Our Love Lives." I was immediately intrigued. It is written by a woman. She starts off by using the past tense when speaking of feminism, but quickly corrects herself, only in parentheses. She explains how she feels indebted to feminism because it has allowed her to have the career that she does but than a paragraph later explains that it has ruined her love life:
I think the whole feminist movement is a bit of a misnomer anyway -- feminism didn’t liberate femininity. Feminism liberated masculine energy in women. It was a masculinist movement. This is a good thing. Because of masculism, er, I mean feminism, we can now procure income in the male dominated marketplace and buy ourselves any kind of life we want. Those of us who aren’t completely fulfilled baking cookies can now choose to fly jets, put out fires, or handcuff bad guys. We can also look for a cure for cancer, design computer programs, and sink basketballs, if those things suit our fancy.
-Wendy L. Walsh, http://www.theboyfriendtest.com/feminism.html
The paragraph above both praises feminism and makes an embarrassment out of it. The fact that she calls feminism, a "masculinist" movement is an embarrassment to feminism. It is a shame to the entire movement. As a feminist who is in a committed relationship, I know that feminism has not ruined my love life but made me more aware of the kind of partner I want in a relationship, as well as the kind of person I want to be in a relationship. I disagree with her article wholeheartedly. She adds that: "Finally, feminism did a disservice to many women who weren’t (and aren’t) unhappy with traditional gender role." This is another issue I have with her article. Feminism does not tell women to do anything they do not want to do. Feminism just allows women the option to say 'no' to things that they didn't want to do in the first place, to things they felt was an obligation to a man, and so on.
Walsh feels, also, that because we are so afraid of looking submissive that we have forgotten how to be supportive. This is another aspect of her article that is untrue and only reflective of her singular opinion. She bashes feminist mothers for not teaching women to be loving and nurturing. She should be ashamed of herself. Her article is full explains that you can call yourself anything you want, even a feminist, but that does not mean you have to follow it.
Another article I found online pertaining to love and feminism talks about how men are scared of successful women. It is entitled "How Misguided Feminism Prevents Relationships." She concludes her article by saying:
How can these common sense insights have been lost? The only answer I can come up with is that misguided feminism has taught a generation of women that men are opponents and not allies. This insight makes me tremendously sad.
--Pelle Billing, http://www.pellebilling.com/2010/05/how-misguided-feminism-prevents-relationships/
The fact that she feels like the feminism many women have been following is misguided scares me a little. Feminism is open to everyone and it takes on many different forms. I do not believe that feminism has taught women to view men as opponents. The feminism I have learned has taught us equality and respect for all people, of all genders. My feminism involves working alongside men to advance feminism. Never have I ever thought of men as 'the enemy' and many of the women that I study alongside I believe would say the same thing.
She is right to say that men and women look for different things in relationships, but many of the basic, most important things are the same. Even for feminists! Just because I am a feminist doesn't mean that I don't want someone loving and compassionate to come home to every night, just because I am a feminist does not mean that I do not want or need to be taken care of some of the time. I think her article, not feminism itself, is misguided.
Lastly, the third article I found from non-academic sources regarding feminism and love relationships was from the Science Daily website. The writer starts the article off by saying:
Contrary to popular opinion, feminism and romance are not incompatible and feminism may actually improve the quality of heterosexual relationships.
--http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071015102856.htm
This was refreshing to read. Although the article references an academic study, I am still including it under the non-academic heading because I am not speaking of the study itself. According to the article and the study, feminists tend to have better love relationships. This reflects my beliefs. She even says that men who have feminist partners, have more stable relationships and better sex! This is an incredibly positive example of feminist relationships and one, I will be honest, I did not expect to find, especially after the first two articles. Being a feminist does not make you incapable of being in a love relationship, considering the article found that more heterosexual feminist women were in relationships than heterosexual non-identified feminist women. Those are pretty good odds to me! This article sums up my understanding of how you can exists as a feminist while being in a love relationship!
Sources
http://www.theboyfriendtest.com/feminism.html
http://www.pellebilling.com/2010/05/how-misguided-feminism-prevents-relationships/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071015102856.htm
Baby, Baby, Baby
Parenthood...
Kind of a scary topic. I am in a committed relationship where children will happen eventually. The art of raising children is an area where my feminism may be tested or at the very least, challenged. As someone who is not a parent, I have a lot of strong opinions about how I would want to raise my children. I say now that I would never paint a room blue or pink; I would never take a doll away from a boy or a truck away from a girl. Nor would I ever push a children from something they genuinely enjoyed. My partner is a man of all men. He rebuilds cars, he plays in the mud, he builds everything and I know he would want a son to do all of those things with. But what if we only have girls? Will he feel the same way about his daughter picking up a hammer or a wrench and helping him build? Those questions run rampant throughout my mind. I know if I ask him he would say it wouldn't matter to him either way, but it sure does matter to society. Society dictates everything! They are the ones constantly watching and judging your every move and every mistake.
As a person who wants to have babies, I feel slightly slighted by feminism. I am a straight woman, in love with my boyfriend and I want a family. Families and feminism do not seem to coincide, at least not in the academic sense. It is rare in feminist education that one learns about feminism families, almost as rare as learning about feminist love relationships. As a feminist, I hope to stick true to my feminist values and belief system. I expect my children to be raised in an environment where equality is valued and seen, where girls are treated the exact same as boys and where there is no question to whether or not a girl is as a good as, can do the same things as, boys.
I expect my partner to appreciate the fact that our children can be whoever it is that they want to be. Equality and respect are two aspects of my feminism that I hold closest to my heart and my head. Relationships are hard and adding children into the mix makes it even harder! I hope that I will continue to live by feminism ideals despite being elbow high in baby poop!
Kind of a scary topic. I am in a committed relationship where children will happen eventually. The art of raising children is an area where my feminism may be tested or at the very least, challenged. As someone who is not a parent, I have a lot of strong opinions about how I would want to raise my children. I say now that I would never paint a room blue or pink; I would never take a doll away from a boy or a truck away from a girl. Nor would I ever push a children from something they genuinely enjoyed. My partner is a man of all men. He rebuilds cars, he plays in the mud, he builds everything and I know he would want a son to do all of those things with. But what if we only have girls? Will he feel the same way about his daughter picking up a hammer or a wrench and helping him build? Those questions run rampant throughout my mind. I know if I ask him he would say it wouldn't matter to him either way, but it sure does matter to society. Society dictates everything! They are the ones constantly watching and judging your every move and every mistake.
As a person who wants to have babies, I feel slightly slighted by feminism. I am a straight woman, in love with my boyfriend and I want a family. Families and feminism do not seem to coincide, at least not in the academic sense. It is rare in feminist education that one learns about feminism families, almost as rare as learning about feminist love relationships. As a feminist, I hope to stick true to my feminist values and belief system. I expect my children to be raised in an environment where equality is valued and seen, where girls are treated the exact same as boys and where there is no question to whether or not a girl is as a good as, can do the same things as, boys.
I expect my partner to appreciate the fact that our children can be whoever it is that they want to be. Equality and respect are two aspects of my feminism that I hold closest to my heart and my head. Relationships are hard and adding children into the mix makes it even harder! I hope that I will continue to live by feminism ideals despite being elbow high in baby poop!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Am I Less?
Am I less of a feminist because:
I do the dishes?
I make the beds?
I grocery shop?
Let him open the car door?
I remind him to call his mother?
I clean the bathroom?
Do the laundry?
Wear makeup?
Let him order my dinner?
...
I don't think so. I think feminism is incredibly individualized. My feminism is specific to me--to my experiences, my education and my lifestyle. I cannot gauge my experiences with feminism to anyone else's. This is what I love most about feminism. It takes no prisoners. Even the person most adamant on proclaiming that they are not a feminist may have at least one feminist bone in their body.
I love that I can do the dishes and do the laundry and still be a feminist. I do not allow anyone to judge me on my lifestyle or my feminism (though I think the two are incredibly connected). My relationships have been a true testament to my feminist lifestyle. I do not feel like I am a lesser feminist because I conform to some of the typical "female" roles. My current relationship has all been about give and take. We are equal and always will be. There is no job that is specific to either one of us. We share all roles and all responsibilities and I think that makes our relationship especially feminist. He would never expect me to make dinner because I am the woman and I would never expect him to cut the lawn because he is the man. We are joined and we share. It takes an accepting partner and although my partner has no education in feminism, he is a feminist.
I do the dishes?
I make the beds?
I grocery shop?
Let him open the car door?
I remind him to call his mother?
I clean the bathroom?
Do the laundry?
Wear makeup?
Let him order my dinner?
...
I don't think so. I think feminism is incredibly individualized. My feminism is specific to me--to my experiences, my education and my lifestyle. I cannot gauge my experiences with feminism to anyone else's. This is what I love most about feminism. It takes no prisoners. Even the person most adamant on proclaiming that they are not a feminist may have at least one feminist bone in their body.
I love that I can do the dishes and do the laundry and still be a feminist. I do not allow anyone to judge me on my lifestyle or my feminism (though I think the two are incredibly connected). My relationships have been a true testament to my feminist lifestyle. I do not feel like I am a lesser feminist because I conform to some of the typical "female" roles. My current relationship has all been about give and take. We are equal and always will be. There is no job that is specific to either one of us. We share all roles and all responsibilities and I think that makes our relationship especially feminist. He would never expect me to make dinner because I am the woman and I would never expect him to cut the lawn because he is the man. We are joined and we share. It takes an accepting partner and although my partner has no education in feminism, he is a feminist.
Lets Talk About Sex, Baby
Now here's a tricky one...
Women are supposed to be submissive, receptive and incredibly giving. Feminists don't follow that format. As a feminist, I feel completely comfortable saying no. I will admit I have never had random sex. I've never had sex with someone whose name I don't remember. I've never had sex with someone I wasn't dating. I am not promiscuous, I am not 'wild.' I am a serial monogamous.
That being said, I am not a submissive naive girl. I will never cave for someone else. I won't ever compromise who I am to make someone else happy. I know who I am. After taking several classes on sexual abuse, pornography, violence against women and the like, I know how common it is for women to fall into dangerous situations. My feminist background has helped to make me aware of the many things that are out there to harm women and girls. Feminism has shaped my sexual life more than I had ever imagined and more than any of my sexual partners have ever known. This is one of the areas in my life that I have felt the impact of feminism most strongly.
Sex is fun! I am not going to lie. But sex is only fun in the right situations. Sex is never fun if it is forced, if you are being coerced into it or if it is in dangerous circumstances. Feminism has made me extremely aware of the risks involved with sex. Sexually transmitted diseases are more rampant than ever. AIDS is not going away. Condoms, Birth Control--all of these things are necessary and being a feminist has made me not afraid and not shy to make sure that shit is wrapped!
Women are supposed to be submissive, receptive and incredibly giving. Feminists don't follow that format. As a feminist, I feel completely comfortable saying no. I will admit I have never had random sex. I've never had sex with someone whose name I don't remember. I've never had sex with someone I wasn't dating. I am not promiscuous, I am not 'wild.' I am a serial monogamous.
That being said, I am not a submissive naive girl. I will never cave for someone else. I won't ever compromise who I am to make someone else happy. I know who I am. After taking several classes on sexual abuse, pornography, violence against women and the like, I know how common it is for women to fall into dangerous situations. My feminist background has helped to make me aware of the many things that are out there to harm women and girls. Feminism has shaped my sexual life more than I had ever imagined and more than any of my sexual partners have ever known. This is one of the areas in my life that I have felt the impact of feminism most strongly.
Sex is fun! I am not going to lie. But sex is only fun in the right situations. Sex is never fun if it is forced, if you are being coerced into it or if it is in dangerous circumstances. Feminism has made me extremely aware of the risks involved with sex. Sexually transmitted diseases are more rampant than ever. AIDS is not going away. Condoms, Birth Control--all of these things are necessary and being a feminist has made me not afraid and not shy to make sure that shit is wrapped!
It's T-Shirt Time...
Lets start with a poll:
Would you be offended if your boyfriend wore a shirt that had a stick figure of a groom and a stick figure of a groom and at the bottom it said 'Game Over'?
I was.
My boyfriend decided one day to do a little shopping on his own and what does he come home with but this lovely t-shirt described above.
As a feminist, and as a somewhat skeptic of the concept of marriage, this t-shirt kind of irked me. Marriage has always been an iffy subject for me. My parents are still together after 27 years, my grandparents after 51, so I should have a pretty good feeling that marriages can work out...but with the divorce rate being over 50% I am skeptical.
The t-shirt subliminally explains why I may feel so skeptical. Feminism and marriage have never seemed to connect well. It isn't very often that we learn about feminism and marriage. As a feminist, I believe in mutual respect. In a partnership, we should respect each other and I felt like the t-shirt didn't show much respect. Marriage is a scary concept and one that is not entered into with much ease and this t-shirt made me feel even more unsure. What is it about the concept of marriage that makes people lose themselves, and lose their minds?!
I wanted to be like Oprah. Have a steady man in my life, but never a civil union. It seems that would be more complicated than a marriage. In modern times, you can live together for extremely short periods of time and you still have to divide everything 50/50. Marriage is a complication. In a marriage, it's give and take. As a feminist, I have a strong understanding of who I am and that may sometimes make me a little bit difficult to get along with. I know exactly what I want, need and how I am going to get it. It takes a certain type of man to make it with a feminist.
I'm pretty sure I've found that :)
Would you be offended if your boyfriend wore a shirt that had a stick figure of a groom and a stick figure of a groom and at the bottom it said 'Game Over'?
I was.
My boyfriend decided one day to do a little shopping on his own and what does he come home with but this lovely t-shirt described above.
As a feminist, and as a somewhat skeptic of the concept of marriage, this t-shirt kind of irked me. Marriage has always been an iffy subject for me. My parents are still together after 27 years, my grandparents after 51, so I should have a pretty good feeling that marriages can work out...but with the divorce rate being over 50% I am skeptical.
The t-shirt subliminally explains why I may feel so skeptical. Feminism and marriage have never seemed to connect well. It isn't very often that we learn about feminism and marriage. As a feminist, I believe in mutual respect. In a partnership, we should respect each other and I felt like the t-shirt didn't show much respect. Marriage is a scary concept and one that is not entered into with much ease and this t-shirt made me feel even more unsure. What is it about the concept of marriage that makes people lose themselves, and lose their minds?!
I wanted to be like Oprah. Have a steady man in my life, but never a civil union. It seems that would be more complicated than a marriage. In modern times, you can live together for extremely short periods of time and you still have to divide everything 50/50. Marriage is a complication. In a marriage, it's give and take. As a feminist, I have a strong understanding of who I am and that may sometimes make me a little bit difficult to get along with. I know exactly what I want, need and how I am going to get it. It takes a certain type of man to make it with a feminist.
I'm pretty sure I've found that :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Four-One-One
Feminism has always been present in my life, even if I never called it by that name. It wasn't until I entered into University and started taking Women's Studies classes that I recognized myself as a feminist. I connected with it. It spoke to me.
I started dating my previous boyfriend in my second year of University. We had met in a Women's Studies classroom. I thought, 'He must be something if he's actively engaging in discussion in a women's studies classroom.' He seemed really interesting and I felt like I could talk to him about feminist issues because he seemed so open minded. (There weren't many guys who were willing to take Women's Studies classes and even fewer who would speak in them).
Obviously by my statement 'previous boyfriend' that didn't really work out all too well. It turns out he wasn't as progressive as I had thought him to be. In fact, he wasn't progressive at all! He was judgemental, and pushy and didn't seem to like the notion of feminism, nor agree with any of it, either. Every time I spoke of something I had learned or discussed in one of my classes, he was quick to dispute the entire conversation. He brought down my feminism a lot. I dated him until the beginning of my fourth year of University and by then, I will admit, my feminism was in shambles. I lost who I was, and the feminist in me went dormant as well.
FAST FORWARD
Not too long after we had broken up, my friend said 'I know someone perfect for you... my brother!' I was not sure. We didn't seem to have much in common and I felt like I was just starting to get my life back together. He was a labourer, with no University education and no awareness of feminism. But he had a nice smile :). To my surprise, he was incredibly accepting. He encouraged my beliefs and interests and would sit and listen to me for as long as I needed to talk. He has heard about countless lectures, papers, discussion groups, etc. I was falling back into feminism and taking him with me. And he's given me lots of good stuff to write about in this blog!
Who would have thought that the University educated, Women's Studies versed boyfriend could be schooled in feminism by a someone who had never heard the word before?
Monday, February 28, 2011
What's in a Name?
Here's a tricky one...
Last Names.
I have had my name for twenty-two years. I have always been Erin Rae Turner. It seems slightly foreign to me that a last name must be changed in order for a marital union to seem valid, legal or complete to many people.
As I feminist, I understand that taking a man's name is a sign of ownership, as well as a transfer of ownership. My name is not my name. It is my father's name. It was given to me by him. I love my father and I am proud to carry his last name.
Many people do not think twice about changing their identity. I do...and I have. I have given it a lot of thought. I have discussed it with my significant other and have learned that this is something that is of importance to him. It signifies the joining of man and woman together under holy matrimony...or something like that.
A name is a name, bottom line. A name may technically define me... but is no way, shape or form does my name dictate who I am. It is a describing word...an adjective...It is there for ease. I could be crafty and create my own last name--but even then, what would I chose? A name carries little importance to me, as odd as that sounds. I never picked my own name... It was chosen for me and I have grown to love it, just as I feel I could grow to love another.
Maybe it has something to do with respect--mutual respect. I have had two serious relationships throughout my study of feminism in the university setting.. The first, I would not budge on the topic of a name change. The second, the current and the last, I would and I will.
The topic of a last name may be a battle for some couples, but for me, I know exactly who I am and a name, whether new or old, will never change that. I know how to pick my battles, and this, is not one of them.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Beginning...
Now what is the question. Where do I stand now?
Welcome to my blog! This blog was created for a fourth-year Seminar class at the University of Windsor. It is going to hopefully shed some light on my experience as a heterosexual, young woman, who considers herself a feminist and the way that lifestyle/outlook has played a role in my relationships. I am going to discuss the two serious relationships I have had throughout my time studying under the Women's Studies program and the way my feminism has grown, changed, or taken a few hits during them. This blog is focusing solely on my personal experiences and ideas, and should not reflect the larger feminist and/or University population. I do hope to find some feminist theorists and some everyday feminists ideas on love relationships through some basic research. This blog starts today and hopefully by the beginning of April (when the class and my University education comes to a close) I will have a fuller understanding of both myself, and my feminism, through my relationships.
Welcome to my blog! This blog was created for a fourth-year Seminar class at the University of Windsor. It is going to hopefully shed some light on my experience as a heterosexual, young woman, who considers herself a feminist and the way that lifestyle/outlook has played a role in my relationships. I am going to discuss the two serious relationships I have had throughout my time studying under the Women's Studies program and the way my feminism has grown, changed, or taken a few hits during them. This blog is focusing solely on my personal experiences and ideas, and should not reflect the larger feminist and/or University population. I do hope to find some feminist theorists and some everyday feminists ideas on love relationships through some basic research. This blog starts today and hopefully by the beginning of April (when the class and my University education comes to a close) I will have a fuller understanding of both myself, and my feminism, through my relationships.
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